A friend of mine, despite my warnings, got married for the third time. He was 36, she was 24. She had a three-year-old daughter, he had an eleven-year-old son and an eight-year-old daughter. Within months she started the same routine I have seen a hundred times:
• “You always do this.”
• “You never do that.”
• “You should do this more.”
• “You shouldn’t do that.”
• “Why do you always…?”
• “You should tell me when you do that.”
• “Why do we always have to…?”
It became relentless. He came to me for advice. I told him, “Every time she finds something wrong with you, tell her to go find a perfect man.” He hesitated, afraid she might leave. I told him if she left, his problems with her would be over.
He took my advice. Not long after, she called me saying, “Your friend wants to divorce me.” I acted as if I didn’t know why and asked questions to hear her side. Eventually, I said, “So every time you point out something he does wrong, he tells you to go find a perfect man?”
Then I laid it out: “This man has a house, two cars, two kids he drives to school every day, and he includes your daughter in his daily life. Yet you find ten problems with him every day?”
She paused, then started with, “But I do this because…”
I cut her off. “Are you perfect? Do you ask permission for everything you do? Would you want someone nitpicking your every move?”
It was like a light switch flipped. She asked, “Do I really do that?”
I told her, “I don’t know. I’m not there all day.”
I think she finally understood.
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